Dear Job Hunting ...

Dear Job Hunting,

I'm writing to inform you of my eagerness to disarm you. It appears you have mistaken me for a weak-minded individual who cannot stand the test of holding strong amongst a tedious and mostly disappointing process. In fact, I will conquer you, and it shall be brilliant.

It also appears you have brought the thunder in regards to building the best resume the earth has ever seen or thus perish amongst the remaining resumes who lie in a pile of shame. It is my intent to see your thunder and bring a bit of lightning to the party, for I know there is a company out there that will see my resume and find it to be the most spectacular document they've ever read.

Oh Job Hunting, I know you want to bring me merely shame and disappointment, but unfortunately for you I have only great anticipation with a side of gleaming hope, for Martin Luther King Jr. said,

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

You may try to defeat this hope I have, but trust me, I will triumph.

Plainly stated, Job Hunting, stop trying to bring me down. I have what it takes to win this war and I won't be brought down by all the negativity oozing from each email stating "We have found another candidate." I will know that wasn't the job I was meant to have, and I will move on! And I know you're all like ...

But I got this. I've been practicing these job qualifications for years. And there IS an employer out there who will see that and be impressed and want to hire me without even an interview (dream world). Needless to say, I'm not afraid of you, so you might as well give on trying to intimidate me.

Why?

Because I got this!

Bring it!

You will not win!

I've got all the time in the world.

Sincerely,

Job Seeker

They Turned Teen ... I Wasn't Trained for Teen!

My week started out something like this ...

Husband confiscates daughter's phone and, as we do from time to time, skims through her texts. We don't do it often, but we like to make sure she's not dealing drugs or selling scandalous videos and/or photos of herself online or what have you. Yes ... we're those parents. Sorry, not sorry.

Sooooo ...

Instead he finds a conversation between her and her boyfriend that goes something (and I mean I'm totally exaggerating for dramatic flare here) like this.

Now I actually chose not to read the real text messages after my husband gave me the gist of it, but from what I was told, this is how I interpreted it.

I'm lame. I'm lazy.

This following a very large disagreement with my son a week earlier where, without saying it, he made it clear I'm not worth respecting.

Who are these kids?

I swear they're not mine. My kids don't act like this!

But they do.

And you want to know why?

Because they're teenagers!!!!!!

Teenagers declaring their individuality and their independence.

Who allowed this to happen? 

And just when you think it can't get any more frustrating, they do this ...

They just keep turning more teenagerish!!! 

And then ...

They get their permit!!!

And then ...

They get a checking account and use their debit card for the first time!

And then and then and then ...

They get classy shoes for big events.

They learn how to tie a tie for the first time.

They get new friends.

They get significant others!

They go to homecoming!

They get handsome!

They get pretty ... and pretty goofy.

No seriously, they get pretty!

They pick out their own Christmas trees, Charlie Brown style.

They take care of robot babies for the weekend.

They fail to act classy on a regular basis.

They shoot rockets for sport.

They photobomb what could be good selfies.

They make taking selfies with them impossible

They make lifelong friends despite long distances.

They can be insanely impossible yet amazing all at the same time. I love watching these milestones, but what about in between?

What about those days where they think I'm a monster covered in Jell-o? Which are a plenty during these wonderful teen years!

I KNOW my kids don't hate me ALL the time. Apologies WERE made and the world was set right again. But still, I know they'll dislike me again soon enough. I'm the mom. And for some reason or another, dads are inherently cool and loved and can do no wrong when it comes to teenagers, while moms on the other hand are evil and heartless and can never be as cool as dad. It's a thing. My own mother confirmed it. 

Well there is truly only one thing I can do when I'm thought of as the evil stepmom from Cinderella. I have to remind myself ...

They're never too old to play with balloons.

And ...

You're never too old to hold Dad's hand while iceskating

Playing board games is still cool.

Tiny video game systems are fun to play with mom!

Semi Matching Hoodies are still ok.

Movies with mom is a thing. A fun thing.

You're never too old to fall asleep watching movies in moms bed.

Sometimes selfies with mom are ok.

Planes are still really cool.

And ...

It's still okay to cuddle in the car (as long as you're sleeping and unaware)

Sometimes raising teenagers is a huge chore. Sometimes they hate me. Sometimes they love me. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out. Sometimes I just can't seem to spend enough time with them.

Always raising teens is hard.

I come to this challenge with little to no preparation, and most days I have no clue what I'm doing. I wish my daughter didn't feel like she needed to send texts about me not wanting to drive her places, but let's be honest, I can't be a chauffeur ALL the time! And yeah, if we're being honest, sometimes I just don't want to! And that doesn't make me a bad mom, it just makes me human.

I am a human mom. I hate making dinner. I enforce chores and homework with authority. I despise driving all over the place. I'm typically the one that chooses and doles out the punishments. I like to watch netflix in my room after dinner until bedtime. I have an illness that sometimes leaves me unable to perform every day duties. And I constantly pester my children to see if they want to hang out.

I give my kids plenty of reasons to find me annoying or to dislike me.

But that's ok.

I don't deny it.

I own it.

Why?

Because I love those infuriating children with abundance. And chances are, if they don't like me one day or another, it's probably because I'm doing something right.

So bring it on my little teens. Cuz this mama is going to keep on doing her best and trying her hardest despite no handbook, and she's going to keep on loving you far past the days where we have all left this earth! 

And that my friends, is how you raise a teenager. (I hope)

What's Next? The Search for Something to Do

My workouts each day end with me promptly heading downstairs and plopping on the stool in my husband's home office to oh so considerately interrupt his work day with my sweaty, smelly presence. I have too cool down, might as well do it with company. For some reason this bothers him none, which both entertains me and pleases me.

However, there inevitably comes a point where he does need to actually do work. So far this week this has been no big deal as it's been late in the day and the kids are home to bother, but today annoying my teenagers is not an option because they are still in school. Today is the day I've been dreading. Today I have to entertain myself for the first time since my unemployed days began.

Unemployment was my own choice. I had a job, the job was sooooooo not right for me for many, many reason, and since it was fiscally not an issue to take some time off to look for the right job, I quit. So I know I shouldn't complain. Sure I just got my bachelor's degree, and I was sorta hoping to have a really nice cush, well paying job by now ... but according to the jobs unavailable, and the fact that apparently just having a bachelor's degree doesn't magically get you a job, that's not happening anytime real soon.

Unfortunately, I don't know what happens next. I can't spend my day cleaning because my children basically have that covered in their chores lists. (Yes, we are THOSE parents. The ones who make our kids work to prepare them for life. Whether they do it well or do it when they are supposed to is a whole other story.) So if I don't have a house to clean, and my meals are already planned, and I save my Netflix binging for the evenings, what's an unemployed gal (who is currently taking a break from job hunting to keep from going insane) to do all day while her kids are at school?

So far I've been told to:

• Take up a new hobby
• Take up an old hobby
• Find something new I like to do
• Join a club
• Start a club
• WRITE (technically and old hobby)

So here I am writing ... trying to fill my time. Trying to figure out what's next for me.

What do I do with my days?

What do I do in the afternoons when my children are actually doing their homework (hahahahahaha ... if only miracles did happen) and their chores and then entertaining themselves and don't need me?

I'm not really a hobby kind of gal. I'm so uncoordinated that if I tried to knit it would look like this ...

I have joined some clubs, but they only meet like once a month, and of course in the evening or on a Saturday. So that's a bust.

I'm not really sure what kind of club I would start ... "Bored People Being Bored Together." It'll be a hit! I just know it!

And as I'm not really sure what kind of something new to do is supposed to look like, that only leaves one thing ... Writing.

I've been told to write by every person I talk to about this conundrum. So I guess I could give it a try, but ...

What do I write about?

Do I write a blog? a book? a journal?

Will anyone read it?

Do I want anyone to read it?

These are all questions I don't seem to know how to answer.

So that leaves the big ol' question, what's next?

Why can't my kids just be little again and still need all my attention. It was so much easier in those days. Now I'm lucky to get 30 minutes of them telling me how their day was and reminding them they'll work at McDonald's if they don't do their homework (which I hear can be quite a decent job these days so at least there's that) and that they need to do the dishes/laundry/etc. before they scatter away to do their own teenage things.

Turns out I quit to stay at home and raise some teenagers who I find I need more than they need me.

Turns out ... I'm a bit lost.

Does anyone have a map to help me find myself? GPS?

Is Coffee the Key to Success? (The 2nd Reprise about what happens when you go back to work!)

So, back in April of 2009, I originally wrote the post entitled "Is Coffee the Key to Success?" At the time I was young and naive. I didn't understand the beautiful creation that is Caffeine.

I didn't understand how glorious a hot cup of coffee is on a cold winter day on your walk into work.

I didn't understand the joy of taking a break because you NEED an iced latte ... and/or 15 minutes of not staring at your damn computer screen and wondering how you're going to get two US senators into the same room on the same day and/or how the hell you are going to switch around 3 appointments for your boss because something more important came up that was surely NOT a golf outing.

I just didn't get it. I didn't understand why so many others felt the need to partake in a cup of java EVERY single day.

Even though it's true, I'm not going to say I was stupid. That would be cruel. But try as I may have, I just couldn't escape the gentle unrelenting grasp of a super grande with three shots of espresso tiny cup of joe.

I'm not exactly sure what happened in February 2010 that placed me into the reconsidering stages of my decision to, "Just Say No," but despite the lovely and almost totally convincing comments, I still remained a hater.

Nope, I wasn't gonna do it. The smell didn't match the flavor. It was too hot. It was too cold. It made your teeth more yellow than Goldilox's hair. (See how I did that?)

It wasn't freaking happening. Damn any success that could be had! I would forever remain coffeecelabate. (It's a word ... as of today.)

So what the frick happened?

Right now you're saying, "Oh, well you said it up above! You went back to work! Duh"

Oh no my friends.

I didn't just go back to work!

I went back to work where my office was right NEXT DOOR to a freaking Biggby!!! (Click the link if you haven't heard of them ... they are my favorite ... no haters allowed!)

Yeah ... that cold winter walk to work ... about 10 ft.

I know it shouldn't have mattered. I mean, I hated the taste right? It was awful.

Or was it just awful without anything in it?

I started small. Teddy Bear Latte. All that extra flavor, who can taste the coffee? Plus, it was practically just a cup of milk with a wee bit of espresso added. No Big Deal. It didn't mean anything. I was still a skeptic ... ish. I mean it was really warm and creamy and got me going when I was really tired first thing in the morning. I just needed a little bit of help! Okay!?!?!

And so yeah, maybe I would brag about it on instagram a time or two, but I still had control over the situation,

Then things got a little more serious. After a month or two of creamy, sugary lattes I started to notice my pants fitting a little differently. Something had to change.

"Can I get a Non Fat Butter Bear Latte with Light Flavor and no Whip, Please? Oh, and add and extra shot of espresso."

I was slipping fast. I could actually TASTE the espresso ... and I kinda liked it.

Before long they knew my order by heart.

And from there I was sucked in.

And let's not lie, for as much love as I have for the Big B, lattes are expensive yo! But coffee with a wee bit o' sugar ... that shit's cheap AF!

That's when I knew there was no going back.

Here I am now, having resigned from my job to once again go back to school, and I'm still drinking the damn sludge I'd told myself I'd never need.

It's all over.

Cuz I NEEEEED it.

I need it HARD!

So past Poppins, let me answer our own little question.

"Is Coffee the Key to Success?"

Who gives a shit! That stuff is gold and I'm going to drink it anyways. I'm only sorry I didn't start sooner. (Though my pearly white's thank me for taking my time to cross over to the dark side. You're welcome teeth!)

When Your Midlife Crisis Hits and It's All ... I Got This! (As you're dying your hair blue)

Recently, okay maybe like in the last three to five years, my kids grew up and became preteen and teens. When I began this blog, my youngest was 4, my middle child was 6 and my oldest was 8 and they were all #cuteAF!

Now, I don't even have a photo of all three of them together because, um ... that's not cool! Duh!!! (Let's be honest, I totally just scoured through FB, Instagram and my phone to find one but um yeah ... all I got were these ...

And then the audacity of my now 15 year old daughter to freaking start looking like THIS!!!

Okay so that was a planned photo shoot and she actually usually looks like this (after her new hair cut...)

Still #cuteAF though, though all so much more grown up!!!

And although I adore them at these preteen and teen ages, something HUGE has changed.

They don't need me anymore ... well at least not as much.

What is a mom who is DESPERATELY Searching for her Inner Mary Poppins to do when she is barely needed past the task of making dinner??? (And if we are STILL being honest, "Make Your Own Dinner Night" happens a wee bit more than I'd like to admit so I'm really not NEEDed for that either.)

Enter Midlife Crisis!

But it's all good yo! I got this!

Recently ... 

• I enrolled in college to complete my bachelor's degree! #completelynormal

• I met a group of ladies in my new suburbian neighborhood who have similar interests as me Again ... #completelynormal

• I began a workout plan ... Totally #completelynormal

See, I'm rocking this crisis like it's barely a crisis at all.

Shit ... I forgot we were being honest ...

So there may be a FEW things I left out.

I may have omitted a detail or more about some other things I've recently done since said crisis arrived.

Such as ...

• In enrolling in college, I MAY or may not have also signed up for 5 classes in one semester #borderlinecrazysauce 

• In meeting my new friends, some of our interests MAY or may not include watching trash TV and making fun of it, drinking wine, having girls night out and playing inappropriate card games. #TOTALLYnormalAF

• I MAY or may not be having some issues with above mentioned workout plan and perhaps it isn't working out for me quite yet ... maybe it's the wine, or the diet that's not quite existent ... but I'm getting back in shape! I swear! #AisforEffortBitches

• In realizing that my teen daughter seems to be a little less "typical" teenager than me ... I mean than I WAS at her age, we decided to start a youtube channel/FB Page making videos about who can teenage it better. #What? I MAY or may not usually win. #NormalAF

• As I'm no longer working full time due to being in school, and it doesn't matter what the hell I look like anymore ... and as my daughter is refusing to take advantage of the joys of being a teenager, I MAY or may not have had a moment of weakness and did this ...

This I like to refer to as #MidLifeCrisisAF

But I've got this y'all. Totes.

I can handle it.

It's not like the first half of my book Fall Girl hasn't turned out to be about at LEAST 75% accurate or anything.

It's not like I'm flipping out like 90% of the time thinking about the next 8 years of my life after which I'll be back to working full time IF I can make it through my bachelor's program and then at LEAST 66% of my children will be off living on their own and I'm going to be all alone, being forced given the wonderful opportunity to get to know who I REALLY am and who my husband and I REALLY are as a couple or anything.

It's not like I feel lost and/or confused as well as lonely all the time because I don't even know what to do with all the extra time I'm being given as I no longer have to care for my children 24/7 as they are WAY too busy and cool for me now.

I'm totally cool with this Midlife Shit! 

It's the best. 

I'm working in #BeastMode now and killing it!

As such, I've decided to give this whole blogging thing a try again. Go back to my old "Poppins" identity. Search for that perfect imperfection once more ... just from a tiny bit NEW perspective.

As a mother of preteen/teens. 

Where ...  

• Try as you might to keep it classy, language no longer matters ... the kids at school curse more than you do. Which is ridiculous because you use Fuck like a verb, noun, adjective, etc. and you can't keep up with the amount of vinegar needed to keep these kids' mouths clean. (Of COURSE I'm talking about the kids at school, not my children. They remain #classyAF)

• All the household chores are now done by your minions without the fear of child labor laws because, DUH, you own them love them and gave birth to them and they owe you this labor!!! want to prepare them for the world ahead by teaching them what it's like to do a little work from time to time.

• You are no longer the person they run to when they get hurt, when they want someone to play with, when they need help with homework, when they get scared, when they have questions about how the world works, when they can't figure shit out, etc because you are no longer #CoolMom ... you are now #EweMom and that's why they have friends who know EVERYTHING since you no longer know NOTHING. AKA: You are now #JohnSnow.

• You have so much damn time on your hands that at LEAST 80% of the time all you have left to do is focus on YOU! #scaryAF

It's probably not that bad really. I know my kids love me. But this new life IS rather scary and I'm thinking I may need some help maneuvering through it. I should probably not ask them how to do it since they've got nothing everything figured out already! But I don't want to cut into their YouTube Watching/Video Game Playing Book Reading/Studying time.

So here I stand kids ... back in the blogging game ... just looking for a LOT little bit of guidance.

Mid Life Crisis! FUCK YEAH!

Things I say to my Children that I PROBABLY Shouldn't (Don't Judge!)

AKA: Confessions of a Crappy Mom

(Some Most of these threats are not real and have never been carried through often!)

"Turn the sound to that video game off or you die!"

"You want to come smell my armpits?"

"The only reason I'm letting watch this X-Box Game is because they are killing Zombies and Zombies are bad!"

"You're fired ... budget cuts, sorry!"

"Get your head out from under the dog's butt!!!"

"If you don't clean your room, I will throw away all your toys and then you will spend the rest of your life bored and then die."

"Don't make me remind you how you got into this world!"

"No, you can't have fruit snacks. You smell funny."

"I don't like you today. You smell funny."

"If you don't do the dishes I'm going to sell you to the gypsies, who will then in turn probably try to sell you again because you smell funny."

"If you don't stop talking I'm going to make you smell my armpits!"

"Your new name is (insert name here) BarfBottoms."

"Go take the dog out before he poops on the floor and I make you eat it!"

"Let me recall the tail about how you came out of my birth canal."

"I think you suck, go away."

"You did a crappy job on your chores. You're fired."

"Don't make me high five your face!"

"If I have to come in there ... there will be children licking my toes until they are clean!"

"If you don't pass that test you'll spend the rest of your life working at McDonald's."

So the real question is ... where the hell is my Mother of the Year Award???

***IMPORTANT NOTE***

None of my children have actually died, though they may or may not have been asked to smell my armpits from time to time.

Homeschooling and Me ... a Follow Up Post of Epic HOLY SCHNITZ!!!!

So Four YEARS ago I wrote this post "Home Schooling and Me", in which I claimed I would NEVER put my children through the wrath of my own teaching ...

So in the past four years my kids have been delightfully Charter Skooled, however this year we learned about this super fantastic thing called "Online School," or as I now like to call it, "Home Skool Lite."

In a desperate attempt to find my children a better education that would challenge their unfortunately brilliant minds a bit more, (Why yes I did say unfortunately brilliant ... do you KNOW how scary brilliant kids are? They know stuff!!! And they use it against you!!! They're evil I tell you ... EVIL! Good thing they're cute!) as well as remove them from the escalating bullying that continues to plague all schools these days, my husband and I, with the input of our children, decided to enroll them in an Online Academy which we will henceforth refer to as, "Home Skool Lite."

Home Skool Lite had all sorts of promise and hope for those of us *cough* lazy *cough* moms who don't really want to school their children but don't really want to put them in school either. All their lessons are taught online ... teachers even give Live online lessons to them. BRILLIANT! Lazy Mom WIN.

But noooo .... there is no Lazy in Home Skool Lite.

NONE!!!!

I am now a "Learning Coach" to my children. A LEARNING COACH. A coach without a whistle or a court or a field to make them run sprints on if they are out of line. Learning Coach is so NOT cool. I actually have to read WITH them and HELP them. The nerve of Home Skool Lite!!! Asking ME to help!!!

Okay okay, I know I sound like an ass and really I'm not as lazy as I sound ... most of the time ... AND I'm not gonna lie, but um, Tim and Moby of the Brain Pop movies are the schnitz ... but Home Skool Lite truly is harder than I had ever anticipated!

So to redact on my lazy momness, I've compiled a list of reasons why I'm unfit for this Home School Lite life.

Top Ten Reasons Poppins Should NOT Be Allowed to be a "Learning Coach"

1. Did you know that you can write a decimal equivalent to 7.75? Apparently adding zeros anywhere into that number makes an equivalent decimal ... 07.75, 7.75000000 ... Equivalency. I'm clearly NOT familiar, and that's only 5th Grade work.

• Lesson Learned = Poppins is VERY bad at Math

2. Learning Coaches are required to read WITH their children. Now as many of you know ... I'm a writer. I'm grammar police beeeeatch. I'm into making plots that pop and characters with big fat round personalities. Now, however, I am stuck reading tall tails about Thunder Annie or something like that and the characters are flat and boring and OMG!!!!

NOT what I look like while reading a Kid's Book

• Lesson Learned = Poppins will NEVER write Children's Books and Grade School stories are SUPER boring!!!!

3. I still hate science. In Home School Lite ... I'm supposed to do experiments. I took Biology last semester in college ... I don't do experiments. There is nothing cool about a bog and I really hate rock candy.

• Lesson Learned = Poppins poor kids are going to be the worst scientists ever!

4. Bingo Blitz, though a great precursor to excellent hand/eye coordination, is not the best way to keep children focused on their studies. Every time the lady from Madrid yells out B15 ... suddenly everyone stops and stares at me.

• Lesson Learned = Poppins can't play while being a Learning Coach. All work and no play makes Poppins a dull boy ... ummm ... or something like that

5. There is NO Harry Potter ANYWHERE in the curriculum. What crap is that?!?!?!

• Lesson Learned = Poppins can't relate to Home Skool Lite if they can't relate to her!

6. I have 3 kids ... in three different grades ... learning three sets of 7 different subjects. Who can keep up with all that?!?! Suddenly I'm supposed to be an excellent scholar and expert in 3rd, 5th and 6th grade everything! Do you know how LONG it's been since I've been in any of those grades?

• Lesson Learned = Poppins is NOT smarter than a 5th Grader OR a 3rd Grader for that matter

7. We bought a dog. He's cute. I <3 him VERY much. He likes to play. Sadly, this turns out to be a terrible distraction to children. Poor poor puppy.

• Lesson Learned = Poppins likes puppy more than kids and sometimes and wishes she could play with puppy instead of playing Learning Coach

Really stinking cute dog!!! No?

8. Kids are needy. They need to be fed and paid attention to. And then they need all this help and guidance. I used to sit at home and write and edit pictures and now I have no time for such nonsense. I'm stuck with 3 needy kids and a puppy and and and

• Lesson Learned = Poppins is Selfish and hates Paying Attention to things that are not nonsense

9. Kids don't listen. It's in their nature. They come built in with these selective hearing devices that I have yet to learn how to remove. So when I say things like, "You NEED to do ALL of the math assignment before you take the assessment!" or "No, you CANNOT take a 2 hour break between each subject!" or "If you miss another live lesson they WILL flunk you and you will have to take this grade over and over and over!" they appear to not have heard me each and every time. They'll START to listen to me and so I'll START to do the laundry and then when I look back I have one child sleeping, another playing Club Penguin and then the last of them gorging themselves on junk food and watching Cake Boss.

• Lesson Learned = Poppins CLEARLY canNOT be a Learning Coach and a Laundry Doer (This is one of my favorite issues ... not gonna lie)

10. There are these things called "Support Groups" where us moms from Home Skool Lite get together via Facebook and chat about all of the above issues and by the end of the day it feels like we should all be sitting together and drinking wine whilst watching our husband's be Learning Coaches for the rest of the day. I like these groups ... a lot. I may or may not spend more time getting "support" than I do being an actual Learning Coach.

• Lesson Learned = Poppins likes to piss and moan with other moms way more than she likes to teach. It's way more entertaining

So here you have it. It's quite evident that I am not fit for this Home Skool Lite lifestyle. But here I am writing a blog post for the first time in like a year clearly avoiding my Learning Coach responsibilities doing it. I'm braving this new world and putting aside my inadequacies for the benefit of my children and my children's children and their children's children's children. I am a goddess of parenting and I suck at it am rocking it out until the very end of the school year. I am a hypocrite in my own right but it IS possibly not so much a good thing. We WILL conquer this world of Home Skool Lite with the help of my fellow Learning Coaches and we WILL succeed (although we are most definitely all in the process of failing at the current moment) with flying colors!!!!

All in all ... I'm in over my head and any well wishes and/or GOBS of advice are highly welcomed!