Things I say to my Children that I PROBABLY Shouldn't (Don't Judge!)

AKA: Confessions of a Crappy Mom

(Some Most of these threats are not real and have never been carried through often!)

"Turn the sound to that video game off or you die!"

"You want to come smell my armpits?"

"The only reason I'm letting watch this X-Box Game is because they are killing Zombies and Zombies are bad!"

"You're fired ... budget cuts, sorry!"

"Get your head out from under the dog's butt!!!"

"If you don't clean your room, I will throw away all your toys and then you will spend the rest of your life bored and then die."

"Don't make me remind you how you got into this world!"

"No, you can't have fruit snacks. You smell funny."

"I don't like you today. You smell funny."

"If you don't do the dishes I'm going to sell you to the gypsies, who will then in turn probably try to sell you again because you smell funny."

"If you don't stop talking I'm going to make you smell my armpits!"

"Your new name is (insert name here) BarfBottoms."

"Go take the dog out before he poops on the floor and I make you eat it!"

"Let me recall the tail about how you came out of my birth canal."

"I think you suck, go away."

"You did a crappy job on your chores. You're fired."

"Don't make me high five your face!"

"If I have to come in there ... there will be children licking my toes until they are clean!"

"If you don't pass that test you'll spend the rest of your life working at McDonald's."

So the real question is ... where the hell is my Mother of the Year Award???

***IMPORTANT NOTE***

None of my children have actually died, though they may or may not have been asked to smell my armpits from time to time.