Aug 18, 2009

A Devastating Dear John Letter

Dear Alarm Clock,

I'm not sure how to tell you this exactly, but I think it's time we go our separate ways. It's not that you aren't doing your job well or living up the the expectations I have for you. I can say with 100% sincerity that it's not you ... it's me.

I apologize if I have been leading you one. It is possible I have been giving you mixed signals every morning while my fingers gently linger over your big long snooze button. But it's not what you think. I thought you might have caught on that it wasn't endearment when my hand came smashing down on you this morning.

The problem is, I don't like the sounds you make. I've tried putting you at different settings, radio or just noise, and both make me ready to scream.

Maybe it's not the noise itself, but possibly the timing at which you chose to display the sound? In all accounts, I must admit, I'd prefer if you'd just stay silent.

I say this all to you now because I fear our relationship may come to a destructive end if we don't sever all ties soon. I often have visions of taking you out to a field and jumping on you till you are broken into tiny pieces all while listening to loud naughty rap music(like they do to the fax machine in Office Space) And if you knew me as well as I hope you did, you'd know that I'm not a violent person and I prefer to keep my electronics in one piece. However you seem to conjure up a rage inside me that I am afraid to show to the public.

So it is with deep remorse Alarm Clock, that I inform you this morning, I am going to be ripping you out of the wall and shoving you into a big box full of unused electrical items. You'll be happy there, surrounded by all your friends, The Broken Speakers, Old Phones and even a few Electrical Strips might be lingering around. They may not touch your buttons the way I have been doing for these last 9 years, or the way my husband did before that, but nevertheless, they will probably love you more than I do.

I hope there are no hard feelings. I do this out of love and respect.

Sincerely,

Poppins

OK OK...this is just a wishful Dear John Letter...but you have NO IDEA how much I wish I could send it today :)

Hope everyone's morning started out a bit brighter than mine! If you didn't get a chance to see my announcement yesterday look below or feel free to visit my Website www.marybethsmith.com!

19 comments:

CB said...

"Big long snooze button" LMAO

Love it!

Tabitha Bird said...

LOL! I so wish I could send a letter like this to several inanimate objects in my house. I would start with the alarm clock and move on to the dishwasher, the washing machine and the iron. I am not all that happy with the microwave either after the HUGE mess it made with an egg last night! So it might get one too.

Very funny! Thanks for the laugh :)

Caroline said...

Nicely done . . . let him down easy.

Mesina said...

That letter was written just for my partner's alarm clock. You. Have. NO. Idea. I will admit to you here (but well away from his lovely ears) that he's hard of hearing and so has an alarm clock that makes the most annoying sound in the face of the planet. I of course, am totally supportive, except that the friggin thing makes me jump 10 feet in the air when it goes off and I'm pretty sure I need blood pressure tablets now.
An attempt to remedy this was to buy a dawn clock, which I did. But however mine is alarm clock challenged and refuses to work properly.
I feel your pain. Really, I do!
Well written btw! :D

Marybeth Poppins said...

CB...I couldn't help it...

Tabitha ... I'm so with you on the washer, dryer, microwave and or any other appliance the causes me anguish!

Caroline ... I did my best to spare his feelings

Mesina ... The worst part is ... the alarm clock is for my husband too! But for some reason it is located on my side of the bed! UGH!!! I feel your pain!

CKHB said...

And now I have "Still" by the Geto Boys running through my head. I love Office Space!

Jill Kemerer said...

Can you send the letter to my alarm too? So. Not. A. Morning. Person. :)

T. Anne said...

LOL, I hate the alarm and usually wake up before it goes off so I can silence it before it speaks (yes, thats my secret talent ;)

Marybeth Poppins said...

CKHP! Office Space ROCKS!!!

Jill ... I believe its going to turn into the next TPS cover sheet in that I will be MAKING many copies of it to pass out :)

T. Anne...that's just shy of a super power. I must admit. I Can ALMOST do that, but somehow only on the weekends. Sigh...

Foursons said...

I think you just wrote out my exact thoughts, but did it much better than I ever could.

Jody Hedlund said...

I wish I needed an electrical alarm clock. But I have five children who serve the same purpose!

Heart2Heart said...

What a great Dear John letter to your alarm clock. We too have had the thought cross our minds that perhaps our relationship isn't working well. It makes one of us most cranky in the morning and not the way you wish to start your day.

Here is to unplugging that thing and adding it to the box.

Love and Hugs ~ Kat

Tara said...

I have a built-in alarm clock, and he can't read. Drat.

Elizabeth Spann Craig said...

No alarms for me...until Tuesday. That's when the kids go back to school and my alarm will be set to 5:00 a.m. Sigh!

And then I make be writing a Dear John letter just like yours!

Elizabeth
Mystery Writing is Murder

Katie Ganshert said...

Halarious. Seriously. You should find a way to publish this one, because I t hink every person with a job (SAHM is a 24 hour job!) can relate to this letter.

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Bug said...

Hee, hee - I couldn't help but laugh when I read this, so true. Stupid alarm clock!

Jessica said...

Oh my gosh! You are SO hilarious. The whole stroking the long button thing cracked me up!
I'm like Jody. Who needs an alarm when Mr. 2 yr old stands at the gate yelling for me? :-P

CMOM Productions said...

I love this post! Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just sleep as long as we wanted?!? I know I'd be happier.